Is my wife gay
I Thought I Got Divorced Because My Wife Is Gay. Now I’m Knowledge It All Might’ve Been a Huge Lie.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
A year and a half ago, my wife came out as a lesbian. While losing her this way was painful, I agreed to end the marriage because I didn’t need her to have to live a lie. We’ve stayed in touch, which has been nice, but I recently heard something that made me really mad.
It turns out that she and her wife sometimes have threesomes in which they include a guy. Now a part of me feels like she ended our marriage under false pretenses and I feel betrayed. Did she deceive me?
—I Thought She Didn’t Go For That
Dear I Thought She Didn’t Proceed For That,
Your ex-wife may have deceived you. Maybe when she told you she was a homosexual woman, she had lingering hesitation or even full truth that she still had sexual attraction to men. Maybe she thought it would be too complicated to explain this, that other present issues with your relationship (including the sexual aspect of it) were too much to get into so that “I’m gay” was the most efficient explanation.
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Contents
Falling in cherish with someone new is clearly an enormous difficulty for a marriage. The pain and confusion are compounded, however, when it’s with someone of the same gender. It’s this situation that has more men than ever saying, “My wife turned lesbian” and wondering why.
Losing your wife’s affection to another man is hard to take. Anger, hurt, devastation – these are all common emotions. But if your wife seems suddenly to have “turned lesbian” those feelings are often eclipsed by shear confusion.
- Why?
- What happened?
- Was she always a lesbian?
- Has our marriage been a lie?
These are just a few of the initial questions a male might have if his wife suddenly seems to be interested in women.
But the biggest question is probably,
Is It My Fault My Wife Turned Lesbian?
This is a big and complicated question. The brief answer, however, is no – you aren’t responsible for your wife turning to women.
In fact, let’s dispel some common concerns:
- You didn’t ruin men for her
- It has nothing to do with your masculinity
- It’s not because you were bad in bed
- You’re not in danger of turning another women lesbian
Your wife’s in
What Can You Do If You Think Your Wife is Gay?
National Coming Out Day is October 11 (yes, that’s the afternoon this was published!), a tradition begun in 1988. Every year, lesbians and gay men find the courage to come out as homosexual, often to the shame and scorn of family and friends. Just as often, of course, they are supported and loved for their decision to share something so intimate and life-affirming. Sometimes lost in the mix, though, are the women who realize, within a marriage, that they are gay. Worse, sometimes the husband suspects, but is unsure … until she checks out of the marriage altogether or even asks for a divorce.
First Things First: Mixed Orientation Couples are Common
The first thing to declare is that you are not alone. Mixed orientation couples are so ordinary, in fact, that a support group exists for them. Whether you discover you are a lgbtq+ man in a marriage or you think your wife may be a lesbian, plenty of back is out there to help you parse through everything you’re feeling.
Why Undertake You Suspect Your Wife is a Lesbian?
If you suspect your wife is actually a lesbian, consider about why you hold come to that decision. Several factors that form
Q:
Last week my wife of 27 years told me she was a womxn loving womxn, is having an affair and is leaving. Everyone — our gay friends, straight friends, her coworkers who know and my coworkers who know — all believe she is a lesbian.
I don’t ponder she is. We had great intimacy. We were truly best friends — or so I consideration — and so she said. We loved each other in the truest marital sense — not just the sex.
I never thought there would be anything but us. I am angry about the affair and betrayal. She was going to counseling. I knew she was struggling with several issues: chronic back pain, weight gain, and high blood pressure. I have offered to help in whatever way I can.
Isn’t it possible this is something we can resolve together? She still says she loves me. I don’t know what is actual. I am so confused.
A:
Learning that a spouse is gay can be confusing and devastating. You obviously care for her a lot and she for you.
Married couples where one spouse is gay often have very strong relationships with each other outside of sex, and sometimes even including sex. Many still refer to their ex-spouse as their leading friend. I believe that it is
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